Currently Listening Let Go By Nada Surf 7. killian's red see related

it has been over a year since i've written in any sort of journal. i got burned out from it. lost touch with the internet.

and i went through here randomly and read all of my old entries, realizing how much people can change, how much life can change, and how much some things never change. with me, with anyone.

i've been harsh to a lot of people. i feel bad about it. i should. sometimes i wonder what it would mean to the wronged parties if i were to apologize a day late and a dollar short.

part of me believes that it is truly human to wear lies on your sleeve, pretending that life is ok, yet inside you can't help but to feel like you are rotting away. it is really hard to go through so many life changes at once and be alright with it all. and sometimes i truly AM ok. and sometimes, i'm the farthest from it. there are a lot of reasons why i feel both ways, most of them entirely too personal to air out over the internet. it just feels good to let some of this out, in a way that is not salty. release therapy.

hearts & thoughts, they fade.

... it is so true.

don't get me wrong. i have a lot to be thankful for, and i know it. those things keep me going. but i have never vented about anything good. "vent" and "good" almost do not belong in the same sentence. we discuss the good, depending on the nature of said 'good'. we keep 'good' stored in the filing cabinets in the back of our heads.

it is safe to say that no matter how positive i try to be, i'm only human, and life takes its toll on me eventually.

rinse, wash, repeat.

Currently Reading The Hours By Michael Cunningham see related

serious time: thoughts on gender rolls and commercials. i have had these ideas for a long time, but i am now deciding to share them.

girls are targeted for dolls (barbie as well as "realistic" babies), plastic kitchens, easy bake ovens, and toy vacuums and brooms. boys are targeted for war toys, car toys, video games, and any sort of action figures. and because i am a female, i can relate more to specifcally: board games that was aimed at getting the hottest guy via phone conversation (instead of caring about personality); wanting more than anything to be jasmine in aladdin (you know, the whole "white horse" b.s.); dressing barbie up in the coolest of fashions (setting us females up to be shopping addicts); a plastic kitchen, an easy bake oven, and cleaning toys (preparing for a life of cleaning after people). i also played with: legos, because i love to build things; video games, because i love strategy and challenges and they provide me with both. but mainly, i was provided with more "girly" things.

most people don't pay any attention to the stigmas attached to commercials, but really what they represent is the beginning of assigning gender roles. boys would not be predetermined to those types of toys unless first introduced to them, and since the ones they are introduced to involve action and tactics, that becomes what they know as normal. if boys were first introduced to barbies and cleaning/cooking toys, then that would be what they consider as normal. the same thing applies to girls.

the gender rolls in commercials go far beyond childhood, though.

for example: most cleaning commercials feature women, who look more than happy to be doing the task at hand, or look more than happy being provided with a product that makes the task easier. this goes from doing dishes to doing laundry. it makes women appear to be slaves to housework, and it makes men appear to be lazy because they aren't doing any of it, both of which are false beyond reason. the entire connotation is that women are supposed to stay at home and men are supposed to bring in the cash. marketing companies are not to blame for creating these commercials any more than both sexes are to blame for buying into those beliefs. this is not to say that women who do housework should not do that, and this is not to say that men who are the sole provider of the family should not do that, but that doing either should be a choice and not a matter of living by gender roles. therefore, commercials should depict both men and women doing different housework tasks instead of insinuating that women are the ones who do it all. this creates more of a balance and a fairness to both sexes.

feel free to share your thoughts on the subject; i would love feedback on this.

Currently Listening Early Days: The Best of Led Zeppelin, Vol. 1 By Led Zeppelin see related

((forget that last entry. seriously.))

last month i went to louisville KY for a business trip. we stayed at the ramada inn on zorn. in this ramada, there was a nice restaurant, complete with a gorgeous white piano that was sort of on a pedestal. there was a mirror on the ceiling above it, and a cut-out of the word PEACE with a music note beside it, both colored holographic. a native american man, who said he was about 65 years old and looked all of 35, filled the room with his aura while he played. he had a smile on his face the entire time, and he just had this radiance that said "i am a happy person". it was amazing. he played glen miller's in the mood for me, and did a fantastic job. this was all at night, for the record.

i had taken my canon with me for photographic opportunities, and i brought it with me when we decided to go to the bar and have a few drinks where that man would be playing again. and i'm sitting there with my camera, filled with a beer and happy to be where i was, when i wanted to take a picture. at the time i had black & white film in my camera. i don't like using the flash; this was inside a bar/restaurant at night. i took several pictures. none of them came out.

this upset me to the point where i did not want to photograph anything for a while.

and then about a week and a half ago, i began to have a dream that happened to be reoccuring: i would be sitting on my couch in my apartment, and the doorbell would ring. a fedex man would be there with a package for me. i could never make out where it was initially from. i would sign for it, give him the money, sit back down on the couch, and open it. inside would be a roll of kodak professional black & white film. and that is when i would wake up.

so, yesterday i took my canon with me to my granny's house and took pictures of my cousin laney (who is adorable beyond belief and 2 1/2) playing around and just being herself.

i didn't have the dream last night.